I started getting daily emails from Amazon Local awhile back, and I guess I have higher priorities in my life than unsubscribing.  But a few weeks ago, a salon was running a $70 special for—of all things—mink eyelashes!!!

I’m a former farm kid from northeast Iowa.  Dad taught my brother and me how to trap in junior high.  Along a two mile stretch on our small creek we harvested muskrats, raccoons, and an occasional barn rat.   But it was always a special day when we caught a wily mink.

Needless to say, this “mink eyelashes” thing intrigued me.  Here, bullet-pointed for your reading pleasure, is what went through my mind:

• Are they using live mink for this? And why would you want to put an aggressive predator (related to wolverines!) so close to your eyes?!  I wonder if that’s what Frank Zappa’s record “Weasels Ripped My Flesh” is about….
• Do they only use one mink, or two? I’d think one would be crowded enough on your face.   But you do have two sets of eyelashes…hmm.
• Assuming they’re using dead minks—a much safer option, in my humble opinion—how do they attach them? Jenn-Weld?  Gorilla glue?  They’re pretty skinny and don’t weigh a lot.  But scotch tape wouldn’t hold them.  Duct tape?
• Being as slender as they are, aren’t they better designed for eye brows?
• How do you expect to even see with a mink attached to your eyelid? How can you even keep your eyes open?  I hope folks aren’t driving after getting this done.  They’re already doing enough other stupid things.
• If they’re using the mink’s eyelashes—aren’t they awfully small? A good sized mink measures about two feet, including a cat-like tail.  I’m guessing their eyelashes might only be 1/8” long at the most.  Wouldn’t cow lashes be more noticeable?

Seventy bucks seems like a lot of money for mink eyelashes, especially with all these disturbing questions.   Even if I wanted to get this done, where would the money come from?

I’m not touching my badger toupee fund.